radiac's recipes

Toast

1. Sit loaf on table with splayed end at top
2. Remove the selotape tie between the splayed bit and the rectangular bit
3. Open up splayed end
4. Put your hand in
5. Remove first piece of bread
6. This is called the 'crust'; some people do not like the 'crust', so you may want to dispose of this; if so, perform step 5, then jump to 7
7. Put bread in one of the gaps in the toaster
8. Ensure the toaster is plugged in
9. Ensure the power supply is in the 'on' position
10. Locate the toaster's 'cook' button (usually a lever at the side)
11. Turn the toaster 'on'
12. That's not the toaster.
13. Turn the dishwasher 'off' and remove toast
14. Locate toaster, perform steps 7 thru 11 and jump to 15
15. Wait
16. The toast should pop up. Note, if you see black vapour eminating from the toaster, your toast has finished cooking early, and you should turn the toaster 'off'
17. If it is your loaf, reapply the selotape to the loaf container in approximately the same position as you removed it. If it is someone else's, reapply the selotape to the loaf container in exactly the same position as you removed it.

Toast and Butter

1. Make toast as in recipe 'Toast'
2. Remove butter from fridge. I only ever buy butter in tubs; if yours is a pack, then I'm afraid you're on your own from here to step 7.
3. Remove lid from tub of butter
4. Ensure the bottom of the tub is on the table.
5. Hold tub of butter in left hand by the sides.
6. Remove the foil cover (unless you have done this before)
7. Pick up knife
8. Scrape knife along the top of the butter, from right to left, at an angle of approximately 70 degrees to the butter, with the top of the knife in front of the bottom.
9. Let go of tub of butter with left hand
10. Hold toast at the edges with left hand
11. Scrape knife along a non-butter-covered area of the toast, with the 'blade' of the knife flat against the toast
12. Scrap knife around the toast until the butter has been spread thinly and evenly over as much of the toast as possible
13. Repeat steps 5 thru 12 until the toast is covered in a thin layer of butter all over, then jump to 14
14. Put lid back on butter (again, if you're using a pack, you're on your own)
15. Put butter back in fridge

Baked Beans

1. Put tin of baked beans in the upright position on a hard surface, such as a table or the floor, so that one of the flat ends is on the table, the other flat end is facing upwards, and the writing is in the correct orientation, eg it reads from left to right. Unless it is a chinese tin of baked beans, in which case it should read from top to bottom.
2. Hold tin gently in either hand by the rim at the top. This is, of course, assuming that you have a 'ring pull' tin; if yours does not have a ring pull (check both ends first), then I believe you will need a 'tin opener', and I'm afraid you're on your own.
3. By making a slow and steady twisting movement with the hand holding the tin, rotate the tin so that the 'ring pull' is at its farthest point from you. NB: If your hand refuses to twist any more and the ring pull is not in the correct position, let go of the tin and twist your hand in the opposite direction, and repeat this step.
4. Hold tin of baked beans firmly in left hand by the sides, and press it down onto the hard surface.
5. Gently prise the ring away from the top of the tin enough to fit your index (first) finger on your right hand into and under the ring, so you are holding it in your finger.
6. Now, maintaining the downwards force on the hard surface with the tin in your left hand, pull towards you hard. The lid should pull off; if it doesnt, once again, you will need to find a tin opener and instructions for aforementioned device.
7. Let go of ring. If it does not drop off your finger, shake your hand randomly until it does.
8. Apologise profusely to shop-keeper / police, take the tin to a checkout, pay, and spill as little of the bean sauce as possible on the way home.
9. Place tin in the upright position (see description in step 1 for more details) on the table.
10. Pick up tin with left hand
11. Position tin over a plate
12. Tilt hand to invert the position of the tin to approximately 45 degrees, so that the baked beans start to fall onto the plate
13. Pick up spoon with right hand, so that the bowl of the spoon is pointing to your left
14. Move the spoon into the tin, and move it around the tin in an attempt to get all of the beans out of it. Hint: If they refuse to leave the tin, try rotating the bowl so the other edge comes into contact with the beans